A post about God’s love and continual grace throughout my walk with him.
This is an entry from my prayer journal this morning that I wrote after discovering that I will be leading 5-10 middle school girls in a small group this coming school year. I was planning on just writing a post about it, but after some much needed time with God, I realized that this sums up my thoughts pretty well.
I’m tired of running away from you. I’m tired of trying to handle things on my own. I’m tired of feeling so alone. You are perfect, you are wise, and you are loving. You know that I am nowhere near ready to lead these middle school girls. I’ve fallen from you in a way that makes me ashamed to even ask for forgiveness. But the time for pride has come and gone.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for treating your Word like an insignificant story book. I’m sorry for giving my life to the things of this world instead of you. I’m so so sorry.
I believe that this year is going to be a good one for us. And by “good,” I mean really really rough and difficult, but worth it. Teach me your ways, God. Give me wisdom. In James, you said that if anybody asks for wisdom, it will be given to him. Well, I’m asking, Lord. It scares me to death that these middle school girls will be looking to me for advice and direction. Give me wisdom, but also give me peace.
I get so easily anxious about little things. Teach me to rest fully in you, to confide in you. I try to lean on myself and others instead of you, but I’m left disappointed every time. I know that you want my faith to “not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power” (I Corinthians 2:5).
God, let me live like you’re real. Let my life reflect that you’re alive. How can I read the Bible, say that I believe it, and then continue to live the way I do as if that doesn’t change everything? “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power” (I Corinthians 4:20). Let me feel that power. Let my life exude that power.
But most importantly, God, draw me close to you. I know John said to draw near to you, and you will draw near to me, but I am a fallible human being. There will be times that I do not draw near to you. So this is me, asking you–no, begging you–to draw me close to you no matter what that has to look like. I trust you. But I also know that our relationship is so much more important than my happiness. So if you must first break me, then break me. I’ve gone too long without the reality of your presence in my life.
Of these things that I ask from you–your wisdom, your peace, your power, and your presence–do not let me try to achieve them on my own. Let your love and discipline change me from the inside out.
I love you. I need you. Please stay here with me.